"The Screaming Man" - or - "The Time I Started Laughing Instead"Me: Regrouping fast and being incapable of leaving "smartass" on the tarmac...] Sir, I just got here... Man: STOP. TALKING! LET ME TALK! YOU WON'T LET ME TALK!!! JUST STOP TALKING! Me: [...] Man: I WAS TALKING WITH A WOMAN AND SHE WAS LOOKING FOR MY JACKET AND THEN SHE PUT ME ON HOLD AND THEN SHE HUNG UP ON ME!!! Me: Well, sir, I will be glad to - Man: STOP. TALKING. OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU STOP TALKING! I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A DKNY JACKET AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THREE IN YOUR STORE. [Man finally draws breath.] IT'S NOT HARD! I JUST WANT A D. K. N. Y. JACKET! AND SHE WAS LOOKING. DO YOU HAVE ONE OR NOT??? Me: Sir, I'll help you. But you have to stop yelling. I'm not going to be able to help you if you keep yelling. It doesn't help me help you. So you're going to have to calm down. Man: SHUT. UP! YOU KEEP TALKING AND TALKING! STOP! TALKING! IT'S NOT THAT HARD! WHY...??? I JUST WANT A JACKET AND YOU HAVE THREE IN YOUR STORE... [Apparently we're holding them prisoner?] Man: AND I JUST WANT TO BUY THE JACKET! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM??? I KNOW YOU HAVE THREE IN YOUR STORE! This man has a serious thing for this jacket. Or for the store. Or he's been so frustrated he's now gotta win this "fight". With a store. A major retail store. Oh Jesus...good luck. Twenty-year-old Didi who sits next to me in our four-person "pod" [all names changed to protect the far-from-innocent because it's a decent thing to do and because they're my friends] swivels her chair and looks straight at me. She can hear him yelling through the headphones. She settles in for a good diversion, giving me a look that says, "That man is an asshole." Inexplicably, I'm not being impacted by this energetic venom being screamed into my ears. More, I'm finding it kind of a weird sociological experience in the meltdown of a man over his clothing. Me: [...] Man: I HAVE TALKED TO SOMEONE IN THE ONLINE AND IN THE RETAIL AND THEN I WAS PUT ON HOLD WHILE SHE WENT AND LOOKED AND THEN BEFORE SHE TOLD ME SHE HUNG UP ON ME AND NOW I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 45 MINUTES! THIS IS NOT HARD AND WHY CAN'T I JUST BUY THIS JACKET??? This is going to be far too hard to explain to someone having a hysterical reaction to...shopping. But onward. Me: Sir, we're not in the store itself, but I can look up every store in the country. Man: OHMYGOD! I WAS JUST TALKING TO HER AND SHE WAS LOOKING IN THE STORE, AND THE PRINT-OUT SAYS YOU HAVE THREE OF THEM! AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME! AND I JUST. WANT. TO BUY. THE JACKET! [Fuck Fellini - he's got nothin' on me!] Me: SIR, [he won't hear me unless I raise my voice, so I do.] YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALM DOWN SO THAT I CAN HELP YOU! [And I try to get the next bit of information in quickly so he can MAYBE hear it] Do you have a number for the coat? A Web ID? He provides the number and the size. I tell him - knowing what's about to happen - that it is sold out across the country. I know I am not going to be able to tell him that there may be some returns in the store, which we don't in fact see on our screens. But hey, that would be waaaay too much information for this gentleman. Me: I'm sorry sir, but the jacket is sold out in a Large... Man: NONONONONO! YOUR STORE HAS THREE OF THEM! IT'S JUST A DKNY JACKET AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING FOR IT, AND SHE WAS LOOKING FOR IT - I can't get a word in edgewiseand it is suddenly, by God, the funniest moment. And I start to laugh. And then I stop. Because all calls are audited for quality purposes, and you're really not supposed to laugh at the customers, particularly when they're having a major clothing meltdown. Which leads to my Hollywood moment. A Comedic Movie Script-Brilliant Hollywood moment. If someone had filmed it, it would have been a closeup on my face wearing a laconic and amused look - a very Tom Hanks moment, really. Me: Y'know you're gonna hurt yourself if you keep screaming like that. Didi, across from me, sitting back in her chair ], looking daggers at the man on the phone, and nodding an "uh-HUH, THAT'S whassup" at me. The man continues to scream. I continue to not be able to help. OhmyGOD, this IS a Fellini movie! Finally talking over him, I offer to call the store with him. I hope I can be a bit of a prophylactic between him and whatever poor soul answers the phone. I am able to get through, and because we are still in an absurdist movie, the woman who answers the phone is the woman who had been helping him before! And the man LETS. ME. TALK! I can't believe it, but I'm talking to her, and she is actually able to tell me that while he was on hold the call dropped. Her voice is calm, she sounds like a mature woman - emotionally as well as in terms of age - and she tells me that there are no jackets there. Which is when The Screaming Man comes back on to argue that the papers they gave him say they DO have three there, so I explain the situation: those papers are not always right, but if he wants to call us at the 800 number, we'll be able to tell him what is in stock in any store in the country. His decibels are lowering. Too late. I've gone deaf. The Screaming Man finally rings off, and I ask the woman in the store to hold on so I can check that she's alright. I mean, she dealt with this guy first! She's cool, and more than cool, professionally thanking me for my assistance, rather than taking the opportunity to complain. Niiiiice. As for me...time to ask for that hazard pay. ©2019 Lori Kirstein
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AuthorWorking in Sales at a Call Center for one of the biggest stores in the country should come with hazard pay. Archives
December 2019
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